Becoming me!

"Sometimes you just have to adjust the sails and take a chance that the wind will guide you home.”

I think for many years I battled with trying to live two different personalities, especially when I first became aware of wanting to take a more meaningful path. What brought me to a crossroads on this journey of self-realisation, was a catalyst that sparked something so profound within me that I could no longer deny or continue to ignore. It was the greatest calling to my own unification. Nevertheless, it was an overwhelming period of my life as my thoughts and belief systems about reality weren’t matching up to my experience, and life as I knew it had become obsolete. You would think that living on this gigantic round ball that we call earth and being surrounded by eight million other beings that you would somehow find some sort of comfort, but it was the complete opposite. I had never felt more alone.

I think there are certain moments in life that presents a great awakening within one’s being that can’t be explained or even logically understood, you just know at a deeper level that you can no longer keep walking down the same road. And for me, that was the start of discovering who I was that I came here to be. And how could I search for that girl? And was I even ready to dive deep into the layers breaking down the conditioned programmes that had created an identity that didn’t fit the persona of who I really was? I didn’t have all the answers. But what I knew for sure, was that once I had gained this level of awareness there was no going back. Neither did I intend to. So, just like Alice in Wonderland my curiosity got the better of me, I chose the red pill (like Neo in the Matrix). And dove headfirst, tumbling down the rabbit hole to venture on an ultimate quest to find what the meaning of truth meant to me. And finally come home to the girl that had always been within me.

That was then, almost ten years ago. There was no denying or mistaking that this catalyst had sparked a desire within me, that nothing or no one could have stopped me once I boarded that train. I became so open to experiencing different senses and avenues of life at a much deeper level that it opened doorways and allowed me to tap into who I really was. It took me to places that I didn’t really want to see or feel emotionally. Shadow work is extremely sensitive and sometimes a painful process, too. As it brought up parts of me that had been stuck in the past. Be it grief, trauma, or the loss of something you deeply loved. But I understood this was all part of a wonderful unfoldment that had been gifted to me. And in turn helped me gain a greater understanding that I will never really stop growing and evolving but finding new parts of me that only wish to reveal themselves when I’m ready, and not before. It’s a little bit like picking out what I’ll wear from my closet. “I don’t fancy wearing smart today, I think I’ll go for sweats instead.” That’s how I mould and shape my personality. I can tell when an outfit doesn’t fit right or feels uncomfortable, and in everyday life I notice when I’m being inauthentic to myself, because it doesn’t make me feel good. So even my flaws help me decipher what I want to show on the outside. And sometimes it takes a while for me to wake up to the realisation, that if I don’t take time out for myself, I get swept up in other people’s thought forms and energies and that somehow I take those different traits on as my own which hinders my ability to truly be myself. And these last few months has made me realise this even more so. That self-care is the ultimate love you could possibly gift yourself.

“Sometimes you’ve got to disappear for a while, to be with yourself. To find that inner stillness. To find you.”

I think the hardest part for me was trying to integrate both my spiritual practices with everyday life, as it was particularly difficult when the things that I once loved doing had started to become less of an interest to me. Like going out and getting drunk. Going to a football match on Saturday and spending most weekends out on the town. I became aware very quickly that there was so much more to life that I hadn’t experienced, and so many parts of me that I had yet to discover. And that these distractions were somehow holding me back from embracing opportunities to explore this whole new world that had been revealed to me. I was so eager to learn more about spirituality and found myself reading up on this phenomenon that had catapulted my consciousness to a whole new level. Now don’t get me wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with doing all those things. It just no longer resonated with how my path was unfolding and as I was becoming more in tune with myself, they seemed to effortlessly fall away without any resistance, along with all my addictions. I’m far from a little miss buddha either, I don’t sit on my rock and meditate all day lol. I still love to catch up with friends, eat out at a good restaurant and devour yummy food, washed down with a glass of red wine. I’m a big lover of the outdoors and I’m game for any adventure. I enjoy wearing baseball caps and my music genre is expansive, playing different songs depending on how I feel in the moment. I dance and sing, probably out of tune but it makes me so happy in the moment. I’m a big thrill seeker and my love for fitness helps me channel my energy in a healthy way, both physically and mentally. My childlike behaviour is always rearing its mischievous head, and I come alive when I express myself through poetry and soulful writing. But in the moments when soul asks me to be still and go within, I find solace and comfort in the calmness, and an unconditional love weaves itself through me with prayer and mantra.

I have many forms of expressions when I share my hunger for the things that I feel passionate about, and sometimes that plays to my detriment. But I’m just as human as the next person, learning the lessons that I came here to learn and following my true north node, like any steadfast Leo knows.

Sometimes we get to a specific point in our journeys when we think we need to play a type of character for us to be, not so much validated, but accepted for who we really are. And sometimes we aren’t going to receive that understanding, and that’s ok. Because we are all winging it the only way we know how. And if we’re doing what we do to gain that love from outside of ourselves then we’re only doing a disservice to ourselves. I don’t think I’m qualified to give such advice to how one should go about breaking that belief, but what I can share from my own experience is. That in order to be truly comfortable in your own skin, is to use this time you have been given to experience everything that illuminates your senses. Be you, even if you feel that no one gets you. Learn and expand your consciousness. Dive into the unknown even if it scares you (that’s where the growth is). Challenge yourself but have fun while you’re doing it. Be content in knowing that this moment is all you will ever have. And use kindness as your default button, because you never know what people are going through. That smile you share with someone, just might be their saving grace.

It’s difficult to pinpoint what certain events opens the door to the next level on one’s path. Sometimes they are so subtle you barely notice you’ve taken the next step up. But what helped me to see, that when something big wanted to get my attention. Was that it took what I thought was an ordinary life and obliterated it into a million pieces, leaving me in complete awe of what my reality should look like. And it was evident that the old world would crumble, so it could be replaced by a new paradigm. A life where anything was possible, and I had no fear jumping in with both eyes (and the third eye), wide open. And where the search for ever lasting expansion, began.

Infinite love,

Just me x